I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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