Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
