what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
