Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
