first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
