New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The power of my boobs compel you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
