hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
