I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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