The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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