I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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