I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Pappa wants mamma naked
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
