is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
