her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
