I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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