It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
