today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
