dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
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Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
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We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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