just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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