We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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