remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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