I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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