I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
