my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
