He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
