I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
