I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
