You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
