matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize