My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
