The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
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When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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