just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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