you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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