i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
