He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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