I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
