You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
