Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
