the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
