So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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