I'm so fucking centered right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
