lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
