No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I believe in your delicious
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
