I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
