Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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