...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
