He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
