It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
