i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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