just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
