false alarm. still invincible.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
