I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
