i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
