yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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