Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
